All I want for xmas is a an albino jackalope head...

I'm not particularly in to the holidays. I'm really not. My best xmas ever was getting drunk with my jewish friend on xmas last year. There was no family, no expectations it was just plain awesome. This year, how ever, there is family and lots of it. I'm really excited that my little brother and my mother are coming up for xmas this year. I haven't spent a holiday with my mom or little brother in a really long time. I have a hard time celebrating xmas with my family being that they are Christian and I'm, well, an athiest. They say that Jesus is the reason for the season, even though it's not true. I get to keep smiling and keep my mouth shut about that one just because they are my family and I do respect them and their choice of religion as long as they respect my lack of one. I'm having a hard time picking out xmas gifts since I haven't done in it in awhile. And people keep asking me what I want for xmas...the answer is simple, an albino jackalope head. I think I've been nice enough this year to get one from Santa. Since they're about as real as he is.

I can't be anybody but me

"You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here"-"Desiderata", Max Ehrman,1920s

That is one of my favorite quotes. Every time I feel out of place, I tell myself that. I am exactly the way I am supposed to be. Back in Denver there were still times I felt like I didn't belong. Overall though I felt like I was home. Now that I'm back in Montana, I'm starting to feel like I'm out of place and different again. One of the reasons I was so happy in Denver was I was around a lot more open minded people. I was away from the judgmental eyes of family and so-called friends. I found a freedom there I had never felt before. Being free, and feeling free is a very treasured thing for me. Things weren't perfect in Denver. I was afraid to write, or share my modeling photos with to many people. I've never been a mainstream person and many people would argue I'm too open. I'm happy the more open with the world I can be. I recently read a piece of advice by a fellow bi-polar blogger that said to not be afraid of being open. I have to agree with it because when it comes down to it, I am who I am. People can like or not like me; love me or hate me, they can approve or not approve. This is me take it or leave it. I make mistakes, I make bad decisions. I'm ok with that. I'm happy over all with my life. I'm not happy staying shut down, quiet, and trying to make everybody else happy. I'm sorry to any of my family who disapproves of what I write from now on, or the modeling that I do, or my artwork, or my tattoos, or the way I dress. I love you and you are blood, but I don't need your approval. To any of my friends who may not like what I do, you don't need to be in my life. I still love you but I understand if it makes you uncomfortable. I don't mean to be bitchy here, and I'm not saying that anyone has recently and openly judged me like this. I'm saying that I've been holding back and I don't want to anymore. I like who I am, and if you don't, well, I'm not sorry.

roots to grow, wings to fly

It’s hard to explain how much having a place to call my own means to me. It’s difficult to fully grasp what it’s like to be homeless if you’ve never been in that situation before. I couldn’t even imagine until it happened to me. I haven’t been homeless in two years now, but the memories remain fresh enough to still be a little tender when dwelled upon. You can read about being homeless in books, magazines, or articles. You can hear the statistics, but it all still seems so far away sometimes. Until one day, you realize you don’t where your going to sleep that night. I remember driving around Denver in the middle of the night, looking for a place to park the car that seemed safe enough and I wouldn’t be bothered by cops. There were nights I’d park the car behind a friend's tattoo shop and then sneak into the shop at night after they closed to use the bathroom to clean up and then sleep on the couch in their waiting room. I always had to make sure I was up early enough in the morning so I could leave before the owner got there. Some nights it was so hard to fall asleep. Until I discovered what a great sleep aid vodka is. Some nights I’d end up with a warm place at night but most nights I was happy to have my car and a thick blanket. It never really felt as bad as it sounds. I had a convenient way making sure I stayed numb. I worked my butt off to get out of that situation and I haven't been in that place in along time now. I had to do things I’m not proud of to survive and I don’t plan on ever being in that situation again. I understand why you guys did this for me. So I could have a place that’s stable. So I could know that I have a home. It’s a huge sense of relief I can’t even put into words. I’ve never lived alone. I’ve never had a place to call MY home. I’ve never had a sanctuary to escape to. I have that now. Over my life, I have never felt like I had roots. I feel like I can finally put some roots down. I know I can fly and still have a home to come back to. A place I belong. I'm truly grateful.

what I've learned

What I’ve learned in the last 3 ½ years…
As much as I’ve realized that I’m the odd ball out…I’m not unique in this…I’ve realized that I’m more able to be myself in big cities but I can’t stand the noise… that my nightmares become worse in the silence… that I love being alone, but I hate having no one to talk to…That women these days allow men to get away with so much that instead of having self respect , it means I’m a bitch… that I’ll always be looking for a man who is 99.5% exactly like TAM, and that I’ll probably never find that again…and that my daughter is the only reason that I’m alive…that I’m a walking contradiction…that men want loyalty but they aren’t willing to give it…that people in my family have a hard time accepting that I’m an adult and I can live my own life now…that as much as I hate people and life, there’s a lot of people that I love, and life is worth living…that you can’t appreciate life without death…that I never knew how much I missed the stars til I couldn’t see them anymore….that I am a soldier in my own war, and I’m shocked I’ve survived…that I’ve finally learned how to live…and even though it’s hard to be in a new place without knowing anybody…I can survive as long as I keep breathing, keep my principles and never waiver from who I am and what I need …that my life is more amazing than anybody could ever know…that I’m lost in a foreign place right now, but I’m faithful that there might be a person remotely like me here

We're all Human Beings

As a counter protest to the Koran-burning in Florida, peace activist Charell Charlie of California is planning a “Wear A Hijab” event at The Grove in Los Angeles. She is inviting men and women of all faiths to don a hijab veil (for women) or kufi head covering (for men) in silent solidarity with Muslims in America on September 11th. “We are non-Muslims who plan to wear the hijab or kufi on 9/11 as a gesture to American Muslims that they are full citizens of this country and deserve the same rights as the rest of us. We intend to prove to Muslims around the world that people of peace outnumber those who hate,” she said. “Let’s stand up and stand out to demonstrate that not all Americans are bigots.”.......I will be covering my hair and dress super conservative today...Unfortunetly I might get shot here in MT for wearing hijab

I had the strangest effing dream last night

So last night was the first night, probably in months, that I've had dream that wasn't a nightmare. Before this one of the reason's I drank was because I'm always terrified 2 go 2 sleep. Booze has a way of taking me to dreamless sleep. Last night though I dreamed that my Dad's fish were talking 2 me and wanted me to take them 2 the lake so they could experience real open water, they promised 2 come back and they did, little cuties....I should mention, NO I haven't watched Finding Nemo in a while. Anyways, I'm still in Billings, where I've had a lot of time 2 just think. My grandma asked me last night if I was ready 2 be "plain old yucky average". I had 2 explain that I will never be normal or average and if that ever happens I'd probably have 2 off myself. I have had a wild ride my entire life and it will continue 2 be so. I did say ,however, it was going 2 be a different kind of wild ride. Now that I'm single(again), I've come 2 the conclusion that I am going 2 be alone for a long time. I want 2 be. I might even consider being *gasp* celibate for awhile. I don't really know how capable of that I am(sorry Grandma I know you read this). There are so many things I want 2 do and learn. If I only have 2 concentrate on my daughter and I, man, things are going 2 be awesome. I'm not normal though. I'm not average either. My life has had ups and downs (hehe). I tend 2 only remember the downs (hahaha I'm amused very easily, if you don't know why I find that funny then you don't know me). When one of my (many) exes and I were on our way 2 Sheridan,from Denver, we were talking and he started reminding me of all the amazing adventures I used 2 have. I started thinking, yes things have been crap for awhile, but life is one big adventure. I'm ready for some new ones and it's going 2 be a blast, I guarantee it.

new chapter in the story

Wow, I just had one of the top 5 days ever in my life. I got a lot of ground work done on my warrant and custody. Things went so well there that it was like,"Why didn't I do this sooner?" Then I realized it was my favorite time of year here in Billings. Burning the Point was awesome(car show). I promise 2 have pictures soon. I met the most amazing guy last night. Best part about it he's a total geek like me. He even managed in a time of a couple hours to call me every nickname I've ever been called, without me even telling him first. I just kept laughing and finally I told him later and he was kind of surprised as well. 2 bad he lives in Billings and I'm moving 2 Great Falls. I don't do long distance. I went 2 the farmer's market this morning so Dad could get fresh creole sausage for jambalaya (can't wait). I bought 2 new plants this morning. These beautiful succulents are the official closing of the last chapter of my life and the start of the new one. Any one who knows me knows how I am about my plants. I only have 2 complaints right now. 1. I really miss Troy but I know this is for the best. As much as I love him, I have 2 let go. It's really like when a tornado meets a volcano. We're just straight up bad for each other. (But I do love you baby, and you will always have a place in my heart xoxo) 2. I have been doing so much walking and riding a bike, that my knee that I tore the tendon in is killing me. I thought it was healed, I was wrong. I'm being a whiny baby, but I swear whining makes the pain go away. Don't believe me? Try it some time, it's as good as smoking a bowl. I thought riding a bike was suppose to be easy on your knees. Bu-bye for now, Ive got a lot of faith in where my future is headed.

Super Nova

Well this is for my many family member's who've been wondering how Nova is doing...She's a Super Nova and she'll tell you that too. She loves to tell stories, dance, and of course jump on the trampoline. She's quite the feisty one. Her last doctor's appointment they took her off all her medications, they say every thing's normal and they'll do another electrocardiogram in a year. Hard to believe 2 years ago she was in the cardiac ICU at Children's in Denver. She's such a sweet heart and says the funniest things. She really is the reason I breathe. I'm so glad I'm going to be closer and we can have actual 50/50 custody.

The sun is mocking me

I wake up this morning hungover from another night of binge drinking like I've been doing for about a week and half (maybe longer)(anything to stay numb right now), and the sun is freaking bright. It's a beautiful effing day, the sun is trying to tell me "come out and play". And in this tiny moment of my life I think "Kill the Evil Day Star!". It's trying to tell me to be happy and act like there's nothing wrong. I had fun last night though. My roommates are drunken Irish goons and it's awesome. I'm so happy I'm leaving though. I need a break from my life, which means entering the so-called real world again. I have a bunch of responsibilities I have to take care of. All I want is to stay comfortably numb. It's funny how someone can tear your f*cking heart out and then say sorry. Like "sorry" can actually make someone feel better. I got news for you; "sorry" doesn't make anything better for me. It makes it better for you. It makes you feel like " well I apologized everything is okay now". It's not. Apology not accepted. F*ck You.

At 23...I feel like: I've lived through everything that I wasn't suppose to...

The subject of 20 somethings and our floundering adulthood has been a hot topic recently in the media. A blog I follow http://20-nothings.blogspot.com/2010/08/all-hands-on-deck-this-is-moment-to.html has asked us 20 somethings to comment on what the experts aren't asking us... How do we feel about this? At 23 I've never finished high school, I've dropped out of college 4 times, I've been homeless twice, I've struggled with addictions, I've been shot, beaten, and raped. I wouldn't say my adulthood was anything like the generation before me. I'm 23, I'm moving back home in a week. I feel like I've been through hell and back and I can handle anything now. What is normal adulthood? Is it the mundane monotony of trying to keep up with Jones's? Why would I want that life? I know a lot of my friends are happy with that life. I tried it, and I hated it. I almost got married until I found out the bastard had some infidelity issues. I'm much happier with the way my life turned out even with all the pain and heartache involved. People have different definitions of success. I'm happy and I accept myself the way I am. I realize that life is a journey and things don't always according to plan. I know no matter how many times I fall that I can get back up and keep going. I know I am capable of anything. How many 15 to 50 years my senior can say that? My life has been a unpredictable wild ride and I love every minute of it.

Are You Cheating?

Are You Cheating? wow my boyfriend cheating on me way more than I thought... glad I'm not crazy though

moving back home again....

I find some apprehension with moving to Greatfalls, MT. It's not my kind of place, I don't know any one there except for my highly conservative family who still asks me to cover up my tattoos. This is the third time I'm moving back in with a parent or guardian. Granted this time I basically have my own apartment but I did at my Dad's too. I'm 23 and most people from this very republican state think I should have already reached some certain land marks. I accept who I am and exactly how my life has gone and I'm honestly happy with it. In good ole' MT though it's hard to relate to anyone because they have lived a different life with different values and core beliefs. I was always an outcast in MT and in WY. I actually fit in here in Denver, found my niche and love my life here. People have questioned my floundering lifestyle but I have made amazing friends and contacts here. I am proud of who I am including the way I dress and my tattoos. Montana may be 10 years behind everyone else but I am who I am. Guess I'm going to be an outcast again, but I'm pretty sure I am okay with that.

purgatory

AHHHhhhh!! I feel like I'm stuck in some kind of purgatory. I have nothing better to do during the day than just sit around twittling my thumbs while I'm waiting to go to Montana...So there's this girly blog I read called thefrisky.com and they did a series called the 30 day break up guide awhile back... In an effort to actually have something to write about I'm going to undertake following the 30 day break up guide. I've started in already so I'm a few days in. I'll keep blogging about it...

And it all comes crashing down in midflight...

There's been so many time's I've "started over". And here I am doing it again. My boyfriend of about a year and a half and I have broke up. It's not really important to know why except there was a loss of trust and I'm absolutely heartbroken. I've decided to actually journal what happens this time with me, "starting over". Some kind of chronical that maybe I won't make the same mistakes again. I'm about to admit defeat and go home back to Montana. My plan is to live there until I'm back on my feet. Maybe being around my family will help me get a stronger foothold. I'm going to miss Denver and I plan on coming back as soon as I can. But I'm excited for my future. 2 years ago I was homeless. I'm in a much better place. A little something you should know about me if you don't already, I'm bi-polar. I am bat shit crazy and it has caused havoc in my life. I've been on meds now for 7 months. I feel more like myself now than I ever have...But I got some effed up stories to tell. Being BP makes it hard for me to not mess things up... I always do..I get knocked down...but I get up...I keep going no matter how bloodied and bruised I am...I'll pass out before I tap out... I'm not writing this blog because I feel like I have something important to say...I'm not unique in any way...I just live a crazy life so I decided to start blogging again. I don't really have a lot of people I can really talk to and sometimes I just need to say it to somebody... There's no such thing as privacy in this world anyway. I haven't decided yet if I'm going to remain anonymous or link this to my other online profiles yet. I might as well...