The sun is mocking me

I wake up this morning hungover from another night of binge drinking like I've been doing for about a week and half (maybe longer)(anything to stay numb right now), and the sun is freaking bright. It's a beautiful effing day, the sun is trying to tell me "come out and play". And in this tiny moment of my life I think "Kill the Evil Day Star!". It's trying to tell me to be happy and act like there's nothing wrong. I had fun last night though. My roommates are drunken Irish goons and it's awesome. I'm so happy I'm leaving though. I need a break from my life, which means entering the so-called real world again. I have a bunch of responsibilities I have to take care of. All I want is to stay comfortably numb. It's funny how someone can tear your f*cking heart out and then say sorry. Like "sorry" can actually make someone feel better. I got news for you; "sorry" doesn't make anything better for me. It makes it better for you. It makes you feel like " well I apologized everything is okay now". It's not. Apology not accepted. F*ck You.

At 23...I feel like: I've lived through everything that I wasn't suppose to...

The subject of 20 somethings and our floundering adulthood has been a hot topic recently in the media. A blog I follow http://20-nothings.blogspot.com/2010/08/all-hands-on-deck-this-is-moment-to.html has asked us 20 somethings to comment on what the experts aren't asking us... How do we feel about this? At 23 I've never finished high school, I've dropped out of college 4 times, I've been homeless twice, I've struggled with addictions, I've been shot, beaten, and raped. I wouldn't say my adulthood was anything like the generation before me. I'm 23, I'm moving back home in a week. I feel like I've been through hell and back and I can handle anything now. What is normal adulthood? Is it the mundane monotony of trying to keep up with Jones's? Why would I want that life? I know a lot of my friends are happy with that life. I tried it, and I hated it. I almost got married until I found out the bastard had some infidelity issues. I'm much happier with the way my life turned out even with all the pain and heartache involved. People have different definitions of success. I'm happy and I accept myself the way I am. I realize that life is a journey and things don't always according to plan. I know no matter how many times I fall that I can get back up and keep going. I know I am capable of anything. How many 15 to 50 years my senior can say that? My life has been a unpredictable wild ride and I love every minute of it.

Are You Cheating?

Are You Cheating? wow my boyfriend cheating on me way more than I thought... glad I'm not crazy though

moving back home again....

I find some apprehension with moving to Greatfalls, MT. It's not my kind of place, I don't know any one there except for my highly conservative family who still asks me to cover up my tattoos. This is the third time I'm moving back in with a parent or guardian. Granted this time I basically have my own apartment but I did at my Dad's too. I'm 23 and most people from this very republican state think I should have already reached some certain land marks. I accept who I am and exactly how my life has gone and I'm honestly happy with it. In good ole' MT though it's hard to relate to anyone because they have lived a different life with different values and core beliefs. I was always an outcast in MT and in WY. I actually fit in here in Denver, found my niche and love my life here. People have questioned my floundering lifestyle but I have made amazing friends and contacts here. I am proud of who I am including the way I dress and my tattoos. Montana may be 10 years behind everyone else but I am who I am. Guess I'm going to be an outcast again, but I'm pretty sure I am okay with that.

purgatory

AHHHhhhh!! I feel like I'm stuck in some kind of purgatory. I have nothing better to do during the day than just sit around twittling my thumbs while I'm waiting to go to Montana...So there's this girly blog I read called thefrisky.com and they did a series called the 30 day break up guide awhile back... In an effort to actually have something to write about I'm going to undertake following the 30 day break up guide. I've started in already so I'm a few days in. I'll keep blogging about it...

And it all comes crashing down in midflight...

There's been so many time's I've "started over". And here I am doing it again. My boyfriend of about a year and a half and I have broke up. It's not really important to know why except there was a loss of trust and I'm absolutely heartbroken. I've decided to actually journal what happens this time with me, "starting over". Some kind of chronical that maybe I won't make the same mistakes again. I'm about to admit defeat and go home back to Montana. My plan is to live there until I'm back on my feet. Maybe being around my family will help me get a stronger foothold. I'm going to miss Denver and I plan on coming back as soon as I can. But I'm excited for my future. 2 years ago I was homeless. I'm in a much better place. A little something you should know about me if you don't already, I'm bi-polar. I am bat shit crazy and it has caused havoc in my life. I've been on meds now for 7 months. I feel more like myself now than I ever have...But I got some effed up stories to tell. Being BP makes it hard for me to not mess things up... I always do..I get knocked down...but I get up...I keep going no matter how bloodied and bruised I am...I'll pass out before I tap out... I'm not writing this blog because I feel like I have something important to say...I'm not unique in any way...I just live a crazy life so I decided to start blogging again. I don't really have a lot of people I can really talk to and sometimes I just need to say it to somebody... There's no such thing as privacy in this world anyway. I haven't decided yet if I'm going to remain anonymous or link this to my other online profiles yet. I might as well...