well it's a good start.

At the beginning of a new year, many people decide to make “New Year’s resolutions. I decided this year that I’m not making any. People who make resolutions are gung ho about it for all of a week or two and end up falling horrifically short of ever accomplishing their goal. This year I’ve decided that I should, to the best of my ability, be in a state of constant improvement. It doesn’t have to be big changes. Just some kind of constant forward motion. Some of the multiple goals(not resolutions) I have are, Journaling more, practice poi more, start working out again, dancing more, and becoming more self-reliant through sustainability practices. I’m not going to set any accomplish by dates. I’m just going to take things one step at a time and do the best I can. Then there’s no chance of failure. SO….
Journaling- I do better remembering to journal when I write to do lists. So step one is going to be, making a habit of writing to- do lists.

It’s said it takes 21 days to build a new habit.
I can also make sure to schedule time for practicing poi, dancing, and trying to learn new skills.

A part of goal with journaling more is to have more substantial stuff to blog about. So, I’ll periodically keep the blog up-to-date with my progress. 1/16/11

I will not censor my life

I've lived a pretty messed up life it's true. I won't apologize for anything in my life. I've done things I regret but I am not ashamed of any of it. Life is ugly, messy, dirty, beautiful, and amazing all at the same time. I have problems like anyone else. I have amazing stories to tell, just like any one else. I am sorry if my life and writing about it offends your moral sensibilities. What's happened to me could happen to anyone else. I'm not unique or special in any way. Life is ugly. Life is not always sunshine and rainbows. There are many storms and I've weathered them all. I've fallen many times. I always pick myself up and keep going. I am not one to ever give up. You never know how strong you are until that's the only choice you have left. My mom used to tell me "You are so stubborn, why don't you use it for some positive in your life." And as I've grown a little older I have. I am young enough to still love life and old enough to know that I will always be learning and growing. I know I'm not always right. I know I don't always make the right choices. I take life as it comes and roll with the punches. I'm not perfect and no one else is either. I am the only person who has to live with me for the rest of my life and I'm okay with myself. I even love myself which is a lot more than a lot of people can say. I love people and I hate them and have the same reasons for both. Yeah, I'm a little crazy, but who isn't? This is our life, our reality and every one different. It makes life a beautiful tapestry of a story. I love my story and I love other peoples. I love hearing what people have to say. I love hearing different viewpoints and stories. I want to know as many people inside and out as I can. I love the connection. I love the story. Most of all I love the journey.

All I want for xmas is a an albino jackalope head...

I'm not particularly in to the holidays. I'm really not. My best xmas ever was getting drunk with my jewish friend on xmas last year. There was no family, no expectations it was just plain awesome. This year, how ever, there is family and lots of it. I'm really excited that my little brother and my mother are coming up for xmas this year. I haven't spent a holiday with my mom or little brother in a really long time. I have a hard time celebrating xmas with my family being that they are Christian and I'm, well, an athiest. They say that Jesus is the reason for the season, even though it's not true. I get to keep smiling and keep my mouth shut about that one just because they are my family and I do respect them and their choice of religion as long as they respect my lack of one. I'm having a hard time picking out xmas gifts since I haven't done in it in awhile. And people keep asking me what I want for xmas...the answer is simple, an albino jackalope head. I think I've been nice enough this year to get one from Santa. Since they're about as real as he is.

I can't be anybody but me

"You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here"-"Desiderata", Max Ehrman,1920s

That is one of my favorite quotes. Every time I feel out of place, I tell myself that. I am exactly the way I am supposed to be. Back in Denver there were still times I felt like I didn't belong. Overall though I felt like I was home. Now that I'm back in Montana, I'm starting to feel like I'm out of place and different again. One of the reasons I was so happy in Denver was I was around a lot more open minded people. I was away from the judgmental eyes of family and so-called friends. I found a freedom there I had never felt before. Being free, and feeling free is a very treasured thing for me. Things weren't perfect in Denver. I was afraid to write, or share my modeling photos with to many people. I've never been a mainstream person and many people would argue I'm too open. I'm happy the more open with the world I can be. I recently read a piece of advice by a fellow bi-polar blogger that said to not be afraid of being open. I have to agree with it because when it comes down to it, I am who I am. People can like or not like me; love me or hate me, they can approve or not approve. This is me take it or leave it. I make mistakes, I make bad decisions. I'm ok with that. I'm happy over all with my life. I'm not happy staying shut down, quiet, and trying to make everybody else happy. I'm sorry to any of my family who disapproves of what I write from now on, or the modeling that I do, or my artwork, or my tattoos, or the way I dress. I love you and you are blood, but I don't need your approval. To any of my friends who may not like what I do, you don't need to be in my life. I still love you but I understand if it makes you uncomfortable. I don't mean to be bitchy here, and I'm not saying that anyone has recently and openly judged me like this. I'm saying that I've been holding back and I don't want to anymore. I like who I am, and if you don't, well, I'm not sorry.

roots to grow, wings to fly

It’s hard to explain how much having a place to call my own means to me. It’s difficult to fully grasp what it’s like to be homeless if you’ve never been in that situation before. I couldn’t even imagine until it happened to me. I haven’t been homeless in two years now, but the memories remain fresh enough to still be a little tender when dwelled upon. You can read about being homeless in books, magazines, or articles. You can hear the statistics, but it all still seems so far away sometimes. Until one day, you realize you don’t where your going to sleep that night. I remember driving around Denver in the middle of the night, looking for a place to park the car that seemed safe enough and I wouldn’t be bothered by cops. There were nights I’d park the car behind a friend's tattoo shop and then sneak into the shop at night after they closed to use the bathroom to clean up and then sleep on the couch in their waiting room. I always had to make sure I was up early enough in the morning so I could leave before the owner got there. Some nights it was so hard to fall asleep. Until I discovered what a great sleep aid vodka is. Some nights I’d end up with a warm place at night but most nights I was happy to have my car and a thick blanket. It never really felt as bad as it sounds. I had a convenient way making sure I stayed numb. I worked my butt off to get out of that situation and I haven't been in that place in along time now. I had to do things I’m not proud of to survive and I don’t plan on ever being in that situation again. I understand why you guys did this for me. So I could have a place that’s stable. So I could know that I have a home. It’s a huge sense of relief I can’t even put into words. I’ve never lived alone. I’ve never had a place to call MY home. I’ve never had a sanctuary to escape to. I have that now. Over my life, I have never felt like I had roots. I feel like I can finally put some roots down. I know I can fly and still have a home to come back to. A place I belong. I'm truly grateful.

what I've learned

What I’ve learned in the last 3 ½ years…
As much as I’ve realized that I’m the odd ball out…I’m not unique in this…I’ve realized that I’m more able to be myself in big cities but I can’t stand the noise… that my nightmares become worse in the silence… that I love being alone, but I hate having no one to talk to…That women these days allow men to get away with so much that instead of having self respect , it means I’m a bitch… that I’ll always be looking for a man who is 99.5% exactly like TAM, and that I’ll probably never find that again…and that my daughter is the only reason that I’m alive…that I’m a walking contradiction…that men want loyalty but they aren’t willing to give it…that people in my family have a hard time accepting that I’m an adult and I can live my own life now…that as much as I hate people and life, there’s a lot of people that I love, and life is worth living…that you can’t appreciate life without death…that I never knew how much I missed the stars til I couldn’t see them anymore….that I am a soldier in my own war, and I’m shocked I’ve survived…that I’ve finally learned how to live…and even though it’s hard to be in a new place without knowing anybody…I can survive as long as I keep breathing, keep my principles and never waiver from who I am and what I need …that my life is more amazing than anybody could ever know…that I’m lost in a foreign place right now, but I’m faithful that there might be a person remotely like me here

We're all Human Beings

As a counter protest to the Koran-burning in Florida, peace activist Charell Charlie of California is planning a “Wear A Hijab” event at The Grove in Los Angeles. She is inviting men and women of all faiths to don a hijab veil (for women) or kufi head covering (for men) in silent solidarity with Muslims in America on September 11th. “We are non-Muslims who plan to wear the hijab or kufi on 9/11 as a gesture to American Muslims that they are full citizens of this country and deserve the same rights as the rest of us. We intend to prove to Muslims around the world that people of peace outnumber those who hate,” she said. “Let’s stand up and stand out to demonstrate that not all Americans are bigots.”.......I will be covering my hair and dress super conservative today...Unfortunetly I might get shot here in MT for wearing hijab