All I want for xmas is a an albino jackalope head...

I'm not particularly in to the holidays. I'm really not. My best xmas ever was getting drunk with my jewish friend on xmas last year. There was no family, no expectations it was just plain awesome. This year, how ever, there is family and lots of it. I'm really excited that my little brother and my mother are coming up for xmas this year. I haven't spent a holiday with my mom or little brother in a really long time. I have a hard time celebrating xmas with my family being that they are Christian and I'm, well, an athiest. They say that Jesus is the reason for the season, even though it's not true. I get to keep smiling and keep my mouth shut about that one just because they are my family and I do respect them and their choice of religion as long as they respect my lack of one. I'm having a hard time picking out xmas gifts since I haven't done in it in awhile. And people keep asking me what I want for xmas...the answer is simple, an albino jackalope head. I think I've been nice enough this year to get one from Santa. Since they're about as real as he is.

I can't be anybody but me

"You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here"-"Desiderata", Max Ehrman,1920s

That is one of my favorite quotes. Every time I feel out of place, I tell myself that. I am exactly the way I am supposed to be. Back in Denver there were still times I felt like I didn't belong. Overall though I felt like I was home. Now that I'm back in Montana, I'm starting to feel like I'm out of place and different again. One of the reasons I was so happy in Denver was I was around a lot more open minded people. I was away from the judgmental eyes of family and so-called friends. I found a freedom there I had never felt before. Being free, and feeling free is a very treasured thing for me. Things weren't perfect in Denver. I was afraid to write, or share my modeling photos with to many people. I've never been a mainstream person and many people would argue I'm too open. I'm happy the more open with the world I can be. I recently read a piece of advice by a fellow bi-polar blogger that said to not be afraid of being open. I have to agree with it because when it comes down to it, I am who I am. People can like or not like me; love me or hate me, they can approve or not approve. This is me take it or leave it. I make mistakes, I make bad decisions. I'm ok with that. I'm happy over all with my life. I'm not happy staying shut down, quiet, and trying to make everybody else happy. I'm sorry to any of my family who disapproves of what I write from now on, or the modeling that I do, or my artwork, or my tattoos, or the way I dress. I love you and you are blood, but I don't need your approval. To any of my friends who may not like what I do, you don't need to be in my life. I still love you but I understand if it makes you uncomfortable. I don't mean to be bitchy here, and I'm not saying that anyone has recently and openly judged me like this. I'm saying that I've been holding back and I don't want to anymore. I like who I am, and if you don't, well, I'm not sorry.

roots to grow, wings to fly

It’s hard to explain how much having a place to call my own means to me. It’s difficult to fully grasp what it’s like to be homeless if you’ve never been in that situation before. I couldn’t even imagine until it happened to me. I haven’t been homeless in two years now, but the memories remain fresh enough to still be a little tender when dwelled upon. You can read about being homeless in books, magazines, or articles. You can hear the statistics, but it all still seems so far away sometimes. Until one day, you realize you don’t where your going to sleep that night. I remember driving around Denver in the middle of the night, looking for a place to park the car that seemed safe enough and I wouldn’t be bothered by cops. There were nights I’d park the car behind a friend's tattoo shop and then sneak into the shop at night after they closed to use the bathroom to clean up and then sleep on the couch in their waiting room. I always had to make sure I was up early enough in the morning so I could leave before the owner got there. Some nights it was so hard to fall asleep. Until I discovered what a great sleep aid vodka is. Some nights I’d end up with a warm place at night but most nights I was happy to have my car and a thick blanket. It never really felt as bad as it sounds. I had a convenient way making sure I stayed numb. I worked my butt off to get out of that situation and I haven't been in that place in along time now. I had to do things I’m not proud of to survive and I don’t plan on ever being in that situation again. I understand why you guys did this for me. So I could have a place that’s stable. So I could know that I have a home. It’s a huge sense of relief I can’t even put into words. I’ve never lived alone. I’ve never had a place to call MY home. I’ve never had a sanctuary to escape to. I have that now. Over my life, I have never felt like I had roots. I feel like I can finally put some roots down. I know I can fly and still have a home to come back to. A place I belong. I'm truly grateful.