what I've learned

What I’ve learned in the last 3 ½ years…
As much as I’ve realized that I’m the odd ball out…I’m not unique in this…I’ve realized that I’m more able to be myself in big cities but I can’t stand the noise… that my nightmares become worse in the silence… that I love being alone, but I hate having no one to talk to…That women these days allow men to get away with so much that instead of having self respect , it means I’m a bitch… that I’ll always be looking for a man who is 99.5% exactly like TAM, and that I’ll probably never find that again…and that my daughter is the only reason that I’m alive…that I’m a walking contradiction…that men want loyalty but they aren’t willing to give it…that people in my family have a hard time accepting that I’m an adult and I can live my own life now…that as much as I hate people and life, there’s a lot of people that I love, and life is worth living…that you can’t appreciate life without death…that I never knew how much I missed the stars til I couldn’t see them anymore….that I am a soldier in my own war, and I’m shocked I’ve survived…that I’ve finally learned how to live…and even though it’s hard to be in a new place without knowing anybody…I can survive as long as I keep breathing, keep my principles and never waiver from who I am and what I need …that my life is more amazing than anybody could ever know…that I’m lost in a foreign place right now, but I’m faithful that there might be a person remotely like me here

We're all Human Beings

As a counter protest to the Koran-burning in Florida, peace activist Charell Charlie of California is planning a “Wear A Hijab” event at The Grove in Los Angeles. She is inviting men and women of all faiths to don a hijab veil (for women) or kufi head covering (for men) in silent solidarity with Muslims in America on September 11th. “We are non-Muslims who plan to wear the hijab or kufi on 9/11 as a gesture to American Muslims that they are full citizens of this country and deserve the same rights as the rest of us. We intend to prove to Muslims around the world that people of peace outnumber those who hate,” she said. “Let’s stand up and stand out to demonstrate that not all Americans are bigots.”.......I will be covering my hair and dress super conservative today...Unfortunetly I might get shot here in MT for wearing hijab

I had the strangest effing dream last night

So last night was the first night, probably in months, that I've had dream that wasn't a nightmare. Before this one of the reason's I drank was because I'm always terrified 2 go 2 sleep. Booze has a way of taking me to dreamless sleep. Last night though I dreamed that my Dad's fish were talking 2 me and wanted me to take them 2 the lake so they could experience real open water, they promised 2 come back and they did, little cuties....I should mention, NO I haven't watched Finding Nemo in a while. Anyways, I'm still in Billings, where I've had a lot of time 2 just think. My grandma asked me last night if I was ready 2 be "plain old yucky average". I had 2 explain that I will never be normal or average and if that ever happens I'd probably have 2 off myself. I have had a wild ride my entire life and it will continue 2 be so. I did say ,however, it was going 2 be a different kind of wild ride. Now that I'm single(again), I've come 2 the conclusion that I am going 2 be alone for a long time. I want 2 be. I might even consider being *gasp* celibate for awhile. I don't really know how capable of that I am(sorry Grandma I know you read this). There are so many things I want 2 do and learn. If I only have 2 concentrate on my daughter and I, man, things are going 2 be awesome. I'm not normal though. I'm not average either. My life has had ups and downs (hehe). I tend 2 only remember the downs (hahaha I'm amused very easily, if you don't know why I find that funny then you don't know me). When one of my (many) exes and I were on our way 2 Sheridan,from Denver, we were talking and he started reminding me of all the amazing adventures I used 2 have. I started thinking, yes things have been crap for awhile, but life is one big adventure. I'm ready for some new ones and it's going 2 be a blast, I guarantee it.

new chapter in the story

Wow, I just had one of the top 5 days ever in my life. I got a lot of ground work done on my warrant and custody. Things went so well there that it was like,"Why didn't I do this sooner?" Then I realized it was my favorite time of year here in Billings. Burning the Point was awesome(car show). I promise 2 have pictures soon. I met the most amazing guy last night. Best part about it he's a total geek like me. He even managed in a time of a couple hours to call me every nickname I've ever been called, without me even telling him first. I just kept laughing and finally I told him later and he was kind of surprised as well. 2 bad he lives in Billings and I'm moving 2 Great Falls. I don't do long distance. I went 2 the farmer's market this morning so Dad could get fresh creole sausage for jambalaya (can't wait). I bought 2 new plants this morning. These beautiful succulents are the official closing of the last chapter of my life and the start of the new one. Any one who knows me knows how I am about my plants. I only have 2 complaints right now. 1. I really miss Troy but I know this is for the best. As much as I love him, I have 2 let go. It's really like when a tornado meets a volcano. We're just straight up bad for each other. (But I do love you baby, and you will always have a place in my heart xoxo) 2. I have been doing so much walking and riding a bike, that my knee that I tore the tendon in is killing me. I thought it was healed, I was wrong. I'm being a whiny baby, but I swear whining makes the pain go away. Don't believe me? Try it some time, it's as good as smoking a bowl. I thought riding a bike was suppose to be easy on your knees. Bu-bye for now, Ive got a lot of faith in where my future is headed.

Super Nova

Well this is for my many family member's who've been wondering how Nova is doing...She's a Super Nova and she'll tell you that too. She loves to tell stories, dance, and of course jump on the trampoline. She's quite the feisty one. Her last doctor's appointment they took her off all her medications, they say every thing's normal and they'll do another electrocardiogram in a year. Hard to believe 2 years ago she was in the cardiac ICU at Children's in Denver. She's such a sweet heart and says the funniest things. She really is the reason I breathe. I'm so glad I'm going to be closer and we can have actual 50/50 custody.